The beast we call cancer

(a cancer cell...aka "the beast")

I'm having a difficult week & if there's anyone who should be praising God and his miracles it's me. But I'm still having a difficult week. Why? Because I'm struggling with the results that a few in my group have received this week. They've heard things like:

"The cancer has grown back in the tumor cavity."

"The cancer has spread."

"We're going to try this, but there are no guarantees that it is going to work...& if it doesn't work, we'll keep you as pain free as possible."

"We're going to put you on a clinical trial."

I'm very realistic. I know that being awarded the Stage IV title means it's not a matter of "if" the cancer will come back, it's a matter of "when". I know that I could be hearing any of those words at any time. But right now, I'm cancer free and I'm STRUGGLING with the words to say to those who I've become so close to. I've been told it's called "survivor's guilt" and it's a very real thing. I don't care what I'm being labeled as, I just want to say the right things and do the right things for these people that I care about so very much.

A lot of us have been knocked down, but all of us are such strong fighters. I don't know the "plan". I try to make one up in my head and picture myself with grandbabies, but then sometimes when I'm out in public, I look at older women who are with their older children, and I can't stop the thoughts of, "will I ever make it to that woman's age?" IT'S NOT FAIR that we have been given this path to lead, but all of us have followed it with such dignity and grace.

Lord, don't tell anyone I'm quoting Hillary, but it does "take a village" and I know with all of us putting on the gloves and supporting one another, we're going to get through whatever is thrown our way. It truly hasn't been easy. I look at all of last year and it was hell. It seemed like every time I turned around, there was another chemo to get through or a surgery to face or ANOTHER surgery to face or radiation or being TIRED and in pain all the time, but I made it. I tamed the beast...for now. And when that beast comes knocking on my door again, he better watch out. I not only have my own strength, but I've got a group of warriors just waiting to beat down the beast...for good.