Holt Foundation

I've mentioned the names of many people I've met throughout my journey with cancer. Without these people in my life, I doubt I'd be as accepting, strong & hopeful as I am today. They provide support. They give encouraging words. They know what I'm going through & what I'm feeling because they're fighting just as hard as I am. These people are not only my fellow warriors, but they are my friends.

I would like to thank two very important people for providing me the opportunity to meet these friends. Torry & Terrence Holt. The Holt Foundation was established in 1999 by NFL stars Torry and Terrence Holt (former NCSU grads) on behalf of their mother, the late Ojetta Holt-Shoffner. Cancer took her life in 1996, but her memory lives through the positive ventures of The Holt Foundation. The Holt Foundation strives to be a positive influence in the lives of families struggling with cancer by providing education and support for the entire family. They established KidsCan in 2001 which is a program I joined shortly after my diagnosis. It's through this program that we are continuously provided with support, friendship, hope & laughter!

Torry & Terrence Holt

Last night, the Holt Foundation was awarded the "Impact Level" grant from the NFL Charities. It is the highest level of grant & only three are awarded each year. In the above pic, the Holt brothers are accepting a check for $50,000!!! I was given an opportunity to thank them for everything they've generously provided...football & basketball tickets, bowling adventures, an evening @ Monkey Joes, horseback riding, Christmas gifts...the list goes on & on. It also gave me a chance to express my thanks for providing a group where my kids can feel like they aren't the only ones who are going through all the ups & downs of living with a parent with cancer. They don't have to be ashamed of the disease or keep mommy's breast cancer a secret. Without this group, I don't know if my children would be as "comfortable" with cancer as they are today. So, thank you Torry & Terrence. We can't wait to see where you both end up this season!

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words...

Weatherstone Spring Carnival

Saturday was Weatherstone Elementary's big fundraiser for the year...Spring Carnival.

Last year, Emily & Megan won the "Cake Walk". This year, Em decided to increase her chances of winning again by using the following strategy: buy tickets to the cake walk for your friends. Guess what? It worked. Her friend Lauren won!

Here they are perusing the cake table. The girls ended up sharing a box of spring cupcakes.

Robin Wahl wore a cape that had pockets filled with candy. So THAT'S why she's such a popular principal!

This was the first booth to run out of "prizes". It was called "Sand Art", but instead of using sand, they used colored sugar. Words cannot describe what happens when you give tubes filled with sugar to a school of children...I'm still trying to dull my headache!

Who knew that the assistant principal told fortunes on the side? Emily was told that she will live a long, happy & healthy life. Who could ask for anything better than that?

Head & Shoulders Above the Rest

...despite his ridiculous numbers and performance, he's still underrated. For some reason, fans don't appreciate Griffin in the same manner as (Kevin) Durant, (Michael) Beasley or even Hansbrough. Maybe it's because he can't step out and drain 3-pointers with ease as Durant was able to do, or doesn't have the versatile inside-out game like Beasley or doesn't call Chapel Hill home like Hansbrough.

Well, I appreciate you Blake. I don't care that you don't hit the three. When you dominate the glass, run up and down the floor like Antonio Gates and throw down dunks that make me cringe, I'm just fine with you staying inside the arc. Just watch your head next time. FoxSports Jeff Goodman

I guess when you're 6'10" it's difficult to avoid the backboard!

March 29, 2009

5:05 PM EST/CBS

Hansbrough vs Griffin

(Larson vs Larson)

My husband doesn't think I'll have anything to blog/write about on Monday. I think the pics of his clothes out on the grass will need no words.

3 Month Milestone

I didn't write anything about "it" over the weekend because for the first time, I wanted to forget all about cancer.

On Friday, I had my 3 month scans. A MUGA scan which is done to make sure the Herceptin isn't doing further damage to my heart, a CT of the chest, abdomen and pelvic area, and an MRI of the liver.

They immediately recognize me when they come to get me from the waiting area at Western Wake Hospital. Jay is the one who knows exactly which vein won't collapse when he inserts the IV. He's also the one who talks about OU football (or basketball) while he takes pics of my heart. Kaye is always the one who always greets me with a hug when delivering two bottles of the nasty contrast. She then holds my hand while she puts me in the CT machine. But the MRI room is different. It's dark, cold, loud and extremely claustrophobic. I couldn't even tell you if it's the same nurses/technicians in that room every time I'm there, because I think I block the whole experience from my memory.

On Friday, I prepared myself for that room. I brough a Smashing Pumpkins CD to listen to while the machine screeched all around me. I held my breath when told to do so. I was perfectly still. And then they came on at the very end and started with the questions. "Where exactly was the lesion?" "Do you remember its size?" "Did the surgeon get it all?" Before I knew it, there were tears streaming down my cheeks. All I could imagine was that they had found something and were confirming that it was a new lesion. I layed there for another few minutes in silence while I knew the doctor was taking a look to make sure they had gotten all the pics they needed. Then they came in and rolled me out...& didn't say a word to me. They removed the IV and sent me to change. Before I knew it, blood was pouring down my hand and dripping on to the floor. They hadn't applied enough pressure when removing my IV. By the time I got back out to the waiting area where Terry was, I had blood all over me and was pale as a ghost. I've never been happier to have his arms wrap around me. He tried to tell me that all the questions were normal and it was probably someone new who didn't know my history. I didn't listen......well, I should have. I received the call today & I have no signs of cancer. The chest wall, abdomen & pelvis are all clear. My heart is stronger than it was 3 months ago. And the liver? The scar tissue is gone and there is no sign that cancer ever struck the vital organ. She explained that it's likely that they asked so many questions because they couldn't find any evidence of disease. It all miraculously disappeared.

I may have wanted to forget all about cancer over the weekend, but someone else didn't forget. He's once again restored my faith while He continues to use my body to prove that He can perform miracles. Never give up, my friends. Never give up.

Contacts

Em and I are definitely cut from the same cloth. My mom & aunt often comment on how much Emily reminds them of how I was at her age. She may not have inherited my appearance, but she definitely got my poor vision! She's been going to the same eye doctor since she was 7, which was when he kindly placed glasses on her tiny little face. This week she went to the eye doctor and guess what? NO MORE GLASSES!


Emily got contacts! (please ignore the nails that need a touch up with polish) It's not easy touching your eyeball, but she's already a pro at putting them in and out. She now wants to go shopping for some cool sunglasses...Paris Hilton, watch out!

While I was sleeping in

I woke up this morning to the sound of the mixer going in the kitchen. My first thought was that someone had broken in! And then I realized that burgulars normally don't stop to cook you breakfast while they're robbing your home. So I got up & found my husband and Meg doing this...

Chocolate chip pancakes, eggs & hashbrowns. They even set the table & cleaned up the dishes. This might be the next best thing to stargazers :)

I heart Blake Griffin

Hard-nosed Griffin gives Oklahoma edge over Tar Heels

(from the reputable Chicago Sun Times)

March 20, 2009

TODAY'S ISSUE: Who will win the NCAA tournament?

..."It could be North Carolina vs. Oklahoma for the chance to go to the Final Four. And when Oklahoma not only wins the regional, but also takes the NCAA championship, I will have bragging rights for the year. With forward Blake Griffin leading the Sooners' charge, Tyler Hansbrough & Co. will have their hands full. Griffin, the Big 12 player of the year, is the second coming of Charles Barkley. He can handle the ball, shoot, defend and is a guy who can carry a team on his back. This guy was sidelined by a concussion earlier this year, and when he came back, he dove into the stands for a loose ball! The only team that can beat North Carolina is Oklahoma, because of its quick guards, good rebounding and stud player..."

I will continue to post similar articles until I receive the stargazers. Love you, babe!

10 of my favorite things that start with the letter...

(thanks, Randy, for picking one of the most difficult letters of the alphabet!)

Kisses - from my husband, children & the Hershey's kind!

Kim's - Kim Metcalf, my sister & Kim Ludovici, a very good friend and fellow survivor. I love them both!

Kittyhawk Kites - I don't own one, but I dream about them. They're beautiful. Had the opportunity to own one when we visited the Outer Banks in November, but we decided on a rubber chicken instead. You know what you can do with a rubber chicken, in a park, on a sunny, spring afternoon? Nothing, that's what.

Kit Kat bars - krispy wafers covered in chocolate. 'nuff said.

Krispy Kreme donuts - I so dislike North Carolina for introducing me to these doughy bites of goodness. Just plaster them to my hips, please. Best eaten when they're fresh out of the oven & dripping with glaze. (is it bad that I'm drooling as I type this?)

Karaoke - I'm not a big fan of actually standing up & singing in front of a room full of strangers, but I'm a BIG fan of Karaoke when I receive a voicemail from one of our sales reps from our Japan office who is dedicating Freebird to Risa Rarson. It doesn't get much better than that.

Kansas City - Where the Big 12 Championship game takes place every year.

King size beds - When you're 5'3", you really don't have a need for anything larger than a queen size bed...but when you're 5'3", are married to a 6'2" hunk, have a 100 lb. golden retriever, a 15 lb. daschund and two kids who like to pile in the bed with you on the weekends, things tend to get a bit tight. I love it when we're on vacation & have a king size bed to play in!

Keyboard - I can't decide which keyboard I'm most addicted to...the keyboard on my Treo or the keyboard on my laptop. I'm too old to get grounded from either, right?

Kooks - An indie band from the UK. My fav song is "She Moves In Her Own Way".

If you're reading & haven't yet been tagged, let me know & I'll be MORE than glad to assign a letter to you!

March MADNESS!

March is here...let the madness begin! I live in an area that sends college basketball fans into a synchronized FRENZY every year. There may be 60 or so teams competing for basketball's biggest prize, but this year in our house, it has come down to this...two teams and a DIVIDED household.

I love my husband...a LOT. When it comes to sports, we have two things in common: passion & competitiveness. One of the reasons I married him is because he's always game for watching or attending a sporting event. I don't pretend to know all the stats & useless sports knowledge that he does (he's kinda a nerd that way) & he doesn't pretend to know how I KNOW when a team is going to win or lose. (the jockey wearing pink, the cutest of the two QB's...)

Now back to this divided household thing. My husband sends me his bracket this morning to enter into our work pool & just in case you can't see the above image (the image that has put us in marriage counseling, by the way) he has confidently listed UNC as the National Champion. Won't he be surprised when the Sooner Schooner stomps all over his 'heels!!! Crimson vs. powder blue? Do you really need to be a guy to figure out the winner between those two colors?

I love you, babe & I'm sure I will eventually get over your brief lack of judgment. In the meantime, I hear stargazers are in season, I could use another charm for my Pandora bracelet & my feet are begging for another pedicure now that the weather has warmed up. (and our stock of wine is getting low)

For those of you who also live in a divided household, NEVER let this happen...

Converted Tarheel fans.

Happy St. Patty's Day

A group of us at work have started monthly pot luck "themed" lunches in an attempt to stay in touch...or let's be honest...the REAL purpose is to eat and to laugh! This month, our lunch fell on St. Patty's Day & all the food had to be GREEN. Cabbage, watergate salad, spinach salad, spinach wraps, cucumber sandwiches, (awesome) mint cupcakes & green veggies & dip.

For our next lunch, we are going to have to bring baby pictures of ourselves...not sure if we really came up with a "theme", but I hope it doesn't revolve around baby food!

The world is half as heavy...

...when two shoulder it together. This post is for you, Sheri. We've never met, but you and I share the same goal...to live. You've just received your first round of chemo and your body feels as if it is shutting down. You're sick, you're tired and every part of your body feels as if you've been beat with a bat. It isn't fair that "nothing to worry about" turned into a nightmare that you can't wake up from.

There were many days when I believed I couldn't hang on any longer, but I'm still here. A living testimony to show you that the combination of faith, hope, love and medicine will get you through this. You are not the only victim of the chemo. But unlike your cancer, you will survive. Each day, more of those bad cells are dying off, giving you the opportunity to believe that there are brighter days ahead. When you feel like everything has been taken from you, remember that you still have the gift of life.

This experience will change your life. Your life will be enriched with comfort and love from total strangers. It's a time when you have no choice but to focus on yourself and hopefully, discover what a beautiful person you are.

Look for a little pleasure in each day to offset the hours you are consumed by sickness. Fear, anger and depression are powerful emotions. Use them to fight this beast. Find someone to catch you when you feel like you're falling. You are not meant to go through this alone. As the hours, days, months go by, the quality of your life will come back. Until you get to that point, forget what others are telling you and allow your body to dictate the activity in your days. Don't feel like you're pestering the oncology nurses. If the anti-nausea meds aren't working, keep having them call in something else. You deserve to feel better.

It's a journey, but you'll have many hands to hold that will help you through it all. You and I have many angels watching over us...fighting for us...asking God to find a cure for this disease. I'll be here with you giving you the strength of serenity as your guide. We may be strangers, but we are joined by a growing sisterhood of women with breast cancer. My wish for you is not only to be cancer free, but for you to discover the gifts that cancer will bring to you along your difficult path. Your body may be weak and battered right now, but inside of you something beautiful is happening. My prayers are with you, Sheri.

"Courage is doing what you must when doing what you must is the hardest thing of all".

Priceless Counseling

What do you do when you need to release some pent up emotions, fears and worries with your group of girlfriends? Pizza + wine + oreo cream pie + hot tub = priceless counseling. This is actually not a picture of Kim's hot tub, but did you really think I was going to take a picture of three women...in the hot tub...in our bathing suits...after eating oreo cream pie? Before we ate the pie, I may have considered it, but definitely not AFTER!!!

Kim's hot tub does have the changing LED (or at least I told myself they were LEDs) lights & was the perfect atmosphere for counseling. Before we all knew it, hours had gone by & we'd soaked away the pain with laughter, the fears with memories & the pent up emotions with friendship. We once again proved that although cancer is a huge part of our lives, we will not allow it to take over who we are. We also had a moment of clarity when we realized that we were finally at a point in our lives when we are truly happy. Could that possibly be the result of cancer?

I thank God for these two women and all the others I have met because of this disease. We are much stronger when we fight this as an army of warriors. If I've learned one thing through all of this, I know that I am not alone. For the remainder of my days, I will always have others fighting with me.

& finally, to Kim & Kerri...."A true friend is someone you can trust with all your secrets!" Thanks for an AWESOME night!

The beauty of living in North Carolina

One week ago today, we were battling snowy roads and the girls were enjoying another snow day. This weekend, we were at the lake enjoying an 80° day. One thing has not changed...Toby found the LARGEST stick possible to play fetch with!

Megan...before she decided to get wet up to her elbows!

Happy birthday Terry!!!

It's that time of year...

Most would think I'm refering to Spring. When the trees start to bloom & weather turns warmer. You wake to the birds chirping in the early morning. (I tricked you with the pic) In this case, I'm refering to surgery. Because last year at this time I was preparing myself for the unthinkable surgery. The surgery that most would think would strip you of your womanhood. When I was told I had breast cancer, there was never a doubt that I wanted them gone. Not just one, but both. They had betrayed my body. If one was filled with disease, it would only be a matter of time before the other one would soon follow. They were partners in crime and they had to be dealt with.

Almost one year later, when I'm faced with getting them back, I've realized that I may have lost both breasts, but I was never in danger of losing my womanhood. I feel more like a woman than ever before. Maybe because my husband has never made me feel like anything less. Maybe because he still looks at me and loves me like my appearance hasn't changed. Maybe because my children can come in to the bathroom while I'm relaxing in the tub & sit there & talk to me as if the two scars across my chest aren't there. And they can joke with me about how their boobies are bigger than mine.

Last year at this time, I took control of my body and the disease that tried to take it over. I went under knowing that when I woke up there would be a room full of people waiting for my reaction. Wanting to comfort me in whatever way they could. Waiting to see if I really had lost my womanhood. One year later, I'm faced with one more surgery. The surgery that for those who don't know me will "give her back her womanhood". My plastic surgeon told me this week that after I receive clean scans in April (notice that I didn't say "if" I receive clear scans, but WHEN), he would like to go ahead with the reconstruction...as in next month...as in a few weeks! I'm moving forward with the bilateral TRAM with Dr. Lyle. I've harvested enough skin in my abdomen (fat) to make some breasts & get a tummy tuck as an added bonus! Finally, a surgery worth the pain! Although I honestly don't feel the need to get new breasts, I'm looking forward to a "Welcome the TaTa's" party!

The beast we call cancer

(a cancer cell...aka "the beast")

I'm having a difficult week & if there's anyone who should be praising God and his miracles it's me. But I'm still having a difficult week. Why? Because I'm struggling with the results that a few in my group have received this week. They've heard things like:

"The cancer has grown back in the tumor cavity."

"The cancer has spread."

"We're going to try this, but there are no guarantees that it is going to work...& if it doesn't work, we'll keep you as pain free as possible."

"We're going to put you on a clinical trial."

I'm very realistic. I know that being awarded the Stage IV title means it's not a matter of "if" the cancer will come back, it's a matter of "when". I know that I could be hearing any of those words at any time. But right now, I'm cancer free and I'm STRUGGLING with the words to say to those who I've become so close to. I've been told it's called "survivor's guilt" and it's a very real thing. I don't care what I'm being labeled as, I just want to say the right things and do the right things for these people that I care about so very much.

A lot of us have been knocked down, but all of us are such strong fighters. I don't know the "plan". I try to make one up in my head and picture myself with grandbabies, but then sometimes when I'm out in public, I look at older women who are with their older children, and I can't stop the thoughts of, "will I ever make it to that woman's age?" IT'S NOT FAIR that we have been given this path to lead, but all of us have followed it with such dignity and grace.

Lord, don't tell anyone I'm quoting Hillary, but it does "take a village" and I know with all of us putting on the gloves and supporting one another, we're going to get through whatever is thrown our way. It truly hasn't been easy. I look at all of last year and it was hell. It seemed like every time I turned around, there was another chemo to get through or a surgery to face or ANOTHER surgery to face or radiation or being TIRED and in pain all the time, but I made it. I tamed the beast...for now. And when that beast comes knocking on my door again, he better watch out. I not only have my own strength, but I've got a group of warriors just waiting to beat down the beast...for good.

Laughter

I have been blessed with the most AMAZING group of individuals at Kidscan. Not only do they provide encouragement, hope, understanding, and love, (& let's not forget Kim's parties!) but they provide one of the most important things of all....LAUGHTER. We always find a reason to eat cake. This reason happens to be the best one by far!

Candles, wine & a bubble bath

Need I say more?