The world is half as heavy...

...when two shoulder it together. This post is for you, Sheri. We've never met, but you and I share the same goal...to live. You've just received your first round of chemo and your body feels as if it is shutting down. You're sick, you're tired and every part of your body feels as if you've been beat with a bat. It isn't fair that "nothing to worry about" turned into a nightmare that you can't wake up from.

There were many days when I believed I couldn't hang on any longer, but I'm still here. A living testimony to show you that the combination of faith, hope, love and medicine will get you through this. You are not the only victim of the chemo. But unlike your cancer, you will survive. Each day, more of those bad cells are dying off, giving you the opportunity to believe that there are brighter days ahead. When you feel like everything has been taken from you, remember that you still have the gift of life.

This experience will change your life. Your life will be enriched with comfort and love from total strangers. It's a time when you have no choice but to focus on yourself and hopefully, discover what a beautiful person you are.

Look for a little pleasure in each day to offset the hours you are consumed by sickness. Fear, anger and depression are powerful emotions. Use them to fight this beast. Find someone to catch you when you feel like you're falling. You are not meant to go through this alone. As the hours, days, months go by, the quality of your life will come back. Until you get to that point, forget what others are telling you and allow your body to dictate the activity in your days. Don't feel like you're pestering the oncology nurses. If the anti-nausea meds aren't working, keep having them call in something else. You deserve to feel better.

It's a journey, but you'll have many hands to hold that will help you through it all. You and I have many angels watching over us...fighting for us...asking God to find a cure for this disease. I'll be here with you giving you the strength of serenity as your guide. We may be strangers, but we are joined by a growing sisterhood of women with breast cancer. My wish for you is not only to be cancer free, but for you to discover the gifts that cancer will bring to you along your difficult path. Your body may be weak and battered right now, but inside of you something beautiful is happening. My prayers are with you, Sheri.

"Courage is doing what you must when doing what you must is the hardest thing of all".

Priceless Counseling

What do you do when you need to release some pent up emotions, fears and worries with your group of girlfriends? Pizza + wine + oreo cream pie + hot tub = priceless counseling. This is actually not a picture of Kim's hot tub, but did you really think I was going to take a picture of three women...in the hot tub...in our bathing suits...after eating oreo cream pie? Before we ate the pie, I may have considered it, but definitely not AFTER!!!

Kim's hot tub does have the changing LED (or at least I told myself they were LEDs) lights & was the perfect atmosphere for counseling. Before we all knew it, hours had gone by & we'd soaked away the pain with laughter, the fears with memories & the pent up emotions with friendship. We once again proved that although cancer is a huge part of our lives, we will not allow it to take over who we are. We also had a moment of clarity when we realized that we were finally at a point in our lives when we are truly happy. Could that possibly be the result of cancer?

I thank God for these two women and all the others I have met because of this disease. We are much stronger when we fight this as an army of warriors. If I've learned one thing through all of this, I know that I am not alone. For the remainder of my days, I will always have others fighting with me.

& finally, to Kim & Kerri...."A true friend is someone you can trust with all your secrets!" Thanks for an AWESOME night!

The beauty of living in North Carolina

One week ago today, we were battling snowy roads and the girls were enjoying another snow day. This weekend, we were at the lake enjoying an 80° day. One thing has not changed...Toby found the LARGEST stick possible to play fetch with!

Megan...before she decided to get wet up to her elbows!

Happy birthday Terry!!!

It's that time of year...

Most would think I'm refering to Spring. When the trees start to bloom & weather turns warmer. You wake to the birds chirping in the early morning. (I tricked you with the pic) In this case, I'm refering to surgery. Because last year at this time I was preparing myself for the unthinkable surgery. The surgery that most would think would strip you of your womanhood. When I was told I had breast cancer, there was never a doubt that I wanted them gone. Not just one, but both. They had betrayed my body. If one was filled with disease, it would only be a matter of time before the other one would soon follow. They were partners in crime and they had to be dealt with.

Almost one year later, when I'm faced with getting them back, I've realized that I may have lost both breasts, but I was never in danger of losing my womanhood. I feel more like a woman than ever before. Maybe because my husband has never made me feel like anything less. Maybe because he still looks at me and loves me like my appearance hasn't changed. Maybe because my children can come in to the bathroom while I'm relaxing in the tub & sit there & talk to me as if the two scars across my chest aren't there. And they can joke with me about how their boobies are bigger than mine.

Last year at this time, I took control of my body and the disease that tried to take it over. I went under knowing that when I woke up there would be a room full of people waiting for my reaction. Wanting to comfort me in whatever way they could. Waiting to see if I really had lost my womanhood. One year later, I'm faced with one more surgery. The surgery that for those who don't know me will "give her back her womanhood". My plastic surgeon told me this week that after I receive clean scans in April (notice that I didn't say "if" I receive clear scans, but WHEN), he would like to go ahead with the reconstruction...as in next month...as in a few weeks! I'm moving forward with the bilateral TRAM with Dr. Lyle. I've harvested enough skin in my abdomen (fat) to make some breasts & get a tummy tuck as an added bonus! Finally, a surgery worth the pain! Although I honestly don't feel the need to get new breasts, I'm looking forward to a "Welcome the TaTa's" party!

The beast we call cancer

(a cancer cell...aka "the beast")

I'm having a difficult week & if there's anyone who should be praising God and his miracles it's me. But I'm still having a difficult week. Why? Because I'm struggling with the results that a few in my group have received this week. They've heard things like:

"The cancer has grown back in the tumor cavity."

"The cancer has spread."

"We're going to try this, but there are no guarantees that it is going to work...& if it doesn't work, we'll keep you as pain free as possible."

"We're going to put you on a clinical trial."

I'm very realistic. I know that being awarded the Stage IV title means it's not a matter of "if" the cancer will come back, it's a matter of "when". I know that I could be hearing any of those words at any time. But right now, I'm cancer free and I'm STRUGGLING with the words to say to those who I've become so close to. I've been told it's called "survivor's guilt" and it's a very real thing. I don't care what I'm being labeled as, I just want to say the right things and do the right things for these people that I care about so very much.

A lot of us have been knocked down, but all of us are such strong fighters. I don't know the "plan". I try to make one up in my head and picture myself with grandbabies, but then sometimes when I'm out in public, I look at older women who are with their older children, and I can't stop the thoughts of, "will I ever make it to that woman's age?" IT'S NOT FAIR that we have been given this path to lead, but all of us have followed it with such dignity and grace.

Lord, don't tell anyone I'm quoting Hillary, but it does "take a village" and I know with all of us putting on the gloves and supporting one another, we're going to get through whatever is thrown our way. It truly hasn't been easy. I look at all of last year and it was hell. It seemed like every time I turned around, there was another chemo to get through or a surgery to face or ANOTHER surgery to face or radiation or being TIRED and in pain all the time, but I made it. I tamed the beast...for now. And when that beast comes knocking on my door again, he better watch out. I not only have my own strength, but I've got a group of warriors just waiting to beat down the beast...for good.

Laughter

I have been blessed with the most AMAZING group of individuals at Kidscan. Not only do they provide encouragement, hope, understanding, and love, (& let's not forget Kim's parties!) but they provide one of the most important things of all....LAUGHTER. We always find a reason to eat cake. This reason happens to be the best one by far!

Candles, wine & a bubble bath

Need I say more?